Izzy

i've moved on now toooo.. over halfway of persona 4 golden! it's a really, really fun little game. :D it's certainly a lot more lighthearted than the other entries in its series; some find that to be to it's detriment, but i found myself enjoying the lazy-at-times slice of life segments of it (even if my girlfriend doesn't as much)!!

For 2023.. I'm jumping back on the crazy train. I'm going feet first back into acceptance, joy and positivity. I don't wanna complain anymore. I don't wanna ruminate over years of my life I won't be able to change, and won't ever get back. I'm doing something productive, I'm bettering myself, I'm making everyone's lives better, too, if it's the last fucking thing I do.

I wasted way too many days of my life agonizing, way too many years of my life wallowing in self-pity and self-hate, way too many days going oh woe me, why doesn't my life get better- nay, why dont I feel better?

And I'm taking it by the reins now. I'm bringing everyone around me with it, too. If ya thought I was annoying before, ya ain't seen the last of it!!

I'm saying nice things about others, just in case they don't. I'm engaging with the people around me more. I'm going to like things openly, and I'm going to fucking be nice for once, dammit. To others, and to myself.

I'm done hurtin'. I'm done pityin'. I've survived shit you wouldn't be able to sleep at night if you knew, and I'm happy. And I'm gonna fuckin' rub it in everyone's faces!!! I'll repeat it over and over until I believe it!! I'm good, I'm good, I'm good!! It's all good!!! I'm DONE beating myself down before I can exist because, oh, what if I maaaaybe say something annoying, what if I maaaaaaaybe hurt someone, what if I maaaaaaybe look like an idiot? You hear me? DONE!!!! This isn't for anybody but myself!! I don't exist for YOU to think I'm smart, or funny, or clever!! I exist for me and my friends, BITCH!!!

It won't cure me. It's not a magic fix. But shit if I ain't gonna try. I'd much rather say nice shit about myself and others and not believe it than sit by myself going I'M BAD, I'M BAD!! Because that ain't gonna fix shit. It's like yelling at a kid for doing something bad, and they keep doing the bad thing. Instead, I'm taking her by the hand and showing her, hey, this wasn't very nice to do. I'm disappointed in you. Try again, and this time, do it like this, okay?

And I'll falter. I'll forget. There will be days where I won't WANT to say nice things. There will be days where I'll want to hole myself up and lash out at everyone. Because it's easier to be scared. It's easier to think everyone else sucks. It's easier to think of this world as harsh, and uninviting, and scary. Well I'm fucking done getting fat on the comfortable. I'm done rolling over for my symptoms. I'm done rolling over for my parents, who never wanted me to leave their house because it was so, so scary out there. I'm done being thought of as helpless.

This year I'll be a legal adult, and I'll fucking act like it, damn it. I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle myself. I'm strong. I'm smart, and I'm clever, and I'm capable.

I don't want to buy into the idea that I haven't "earned" being happy. I don't fucking want to buy into the idea that happiness is something you earn, I don't want to buy into the idea that it's something you slave over, something you can only accomplish if you're wasted, high, married, or having sex. Because I'm the only one who knows that. I'm the only person who knows what makes ME happy. I've spent 17 years of my life locking myself away and not looking people in the eyes and playing by myself and getting hit and yelled at and being told I'm unloved and stupid and embarassing being exploited in every way.

I'm sick of it. I won't let the people who ruined the few years of innocence I had take over my life. I'm shooing their ghosts, and instead, I'm picking up that kid that was left on the pavement. I'm picking up that kid that had her own father abandon her. I'm picking up that kid that only ever thought she deserved to be hurt, because it was easier. Because it was easier than to stand up and fight back, because it was easier than patching up her own wounds.

And I'll cradle her in my arms, and I'll tell her,

That's horrible. I'm sorry you went through that. You're not alone anymore. In the future, you have friends. In the future, you're safe. And you deserve to be safe. You never asked for any of this. You never deserved any of this. And I'll keep you safe. And I'll stoke the hearth that keeps you alive. And I'll let that flame warm up everyone who I bring to see you. And I won't ever, ever forget you. And I'll take care of you.

I'll be what I never had, for myself. I'll be what my friends never had, for them.

Because I love them. Because being alive is a wonderful thing. Because being able to experience going outside, or petting my cats, or seeing my friends, and what they love, and what they have to say, is worth the hardship. Because I'm tired of being weak. Because I want to go out on dates. Because I want to go eat ice cream at my favorite place again. Because this time I want to try the waffles there. Because I still don't have my license. Because I haven't graduated yet. Because I still don't know what it's like to be in a house where I'm safe and happy and taken care of. Because I still want to see what my friends; my family, can grow up to be. Because I still want to see how they'll flourish. Because I don't want to be scared anymore. Because they deserve it.

"What did they do to deserve it?"

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

They were born with innocence. They were born pure, untouched, happy, loving, soft, gentle.. the list goes on.

They never deserved anything they were put through, because they were born pure. Because they were these gentle beings, who didn't know anything. Who didn't have any malice in them.

The world is full of so many amazing people. I'm going to make them see it. I'm going to pick them up, and I'm going to patch up their wounds, and I'm going to tell them it's okay. And I'm going to tell them that they never deserved it. And I'm going to tell them they're doing amazing. I'm going to tell them, it's incredible you've made it this far. I'm going to tell them, you're smart, and you're loving, and you're gentle, and you're strong, and you're kind.

And I'll mean every single word.

People are pure. People are incredible. People are innocent. They are, they are, they are. I'm tired of believing otherwise. I'm tired of being pessimistic. I'm tired of being a misanthrope. I'm going to believe now, damn it.

And I believe in you.

Please, believe in yourself.

Please be kind to yourself.

You didn't deserve it.

You aren't lost. Come home.

You never asked for it.

You were innocent.

You can be happy again.

I love you.